EXT. CASTLE FRANKENSTEIN VILLAGERS are trying to batter down the front door. INT. CASTLE FRANKENSTEIN: DOCTOR: It's ALIIIIVE! The DOCTOR creates a MONSTER, and is promptly killed by DRACULA. MONSTER Noo! VILLAGERS Rarr! DRACULA: Rarr! IGOR: Braaaanes! EXT. NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL, PARIS, FRANCE VAN HELSING is strolling along the river. Despite it being a fairly quiet and peaceful night, there is DRAMATIC MUSIC. He finds a BODY, and glances at the CATHEDRAL, which has a MONSTER in it. He looks TOUGH, as if he likes to KILL MONSTERS. INT. NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL, PARIS, FRANCE MR HYDE: Rarr! Och aye. VAN HELSING: Hang on, haven't I seen you before somewhere? MR HYDE: Yes, there was an identical Mr Hyde in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but they're everywhere now because someone wrote a Renderman plugin to do them. There is a FIGHT. MR HYDE: The Bells! (dies) AUDIENCE: Gosh, that was a deft and clever crossover joke. INT. THE VATICAN, VATICAN CITY, ROME, ITALY, EUROPE VAN HELSING: Forgive me father for I have sinned. CARDINAL BASIL EXPOSITION: Yes, whatever, can I explain the plot now? You are very tough. You like to kill monsters for the TOP SECRET ANCIENT ILLUMINATED HOLY LEAGUE OF KNIGHTS TEMPLAR, who are very secret. Your superiors are ANNOYED with you, because this is a MOVIE and they're supposed to be. You are surrounded by MYSTERY, and you have AMNESIA. Here are some CLUES about your past that we just forgot to mention earlier. You might be the ARCHANGEL GABRIEL. Now go kill Dracula. VAN HELSING: I am very tough. I like to kill monsters. Archangel who? SOME MONK DUDE WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE MURBLE: Ah, there you are 007. Here are some SHINY TOYS. I don't know what they do, but I'm sure they'll come in useful at some point when you need saving in a dramatic way. STEREOTYPICAL PAKISTANI GUY INSERTED INTO OBLIGATORY SCENE WHICH ACKNOWLEDGES THAT THERE ARE OTHER FAITHS BESIDES CHRISTIANITY AND THAT THEY CAN ALL WORK TOGETHER IN SPIRITUAL HARMONY (VO): In the name of Allah, you are destroying my nice corner shop! EXT. TRANSYLVANIA: VILLAGERS WITH REALLY REALLY DODGY ACCENTS: Rarr! KATE BECKINSALE: I am a generic tough female character who is upset that her brother is a werewolf. I bet I'm tougher than you are. VAN HELSING: I am very tough. I like to kill monsters. The VILLAGERS surround VAN HELSING, wielding pitchforks and torches, when they are attacked by NAKED GOTH CHICKS WITH NO NIPPLES. JAMIE ZAWINSKI: This film sucks. There is lots of FIGHTING AND COMPUTER GRAPHICS. INT. CASTLE FRANKENSTEIN: VAN HELSING wanders round and looks at the baby vampire sacs from THE MATRIX. DRACULA: Rarrr! CACKLING NIPPLE-FREE HARPIES WITH HANDS NAILED TO FOREHEADS: Rarrr! IGOR: Braaaanes! There is more FIGHTING and COMPUTER GRAPHICS and CYBERGOTH JAWAS and GODZILLA VERSUS MOTHRA and OTHER STUFF that I forgot because I fell asleep half way through. VAN HELSING and DRACULA don fursuits and have wild animal sex. DRACULA: You are the Archangel Gabriel. (dies) VAN HELSING: Who? There is a really CHEESY ENDING with HEAVENLY FACES in the SKY. END Invective to .