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Status: Submitted
%t Meetings, How To Remain Awake During
%n 8R
%s Alternatives To Gnawing Off Your Own Legs
%a Alex Gough (alexander.gough@st-hughs.ox.ac.uk)
%d 19991110
%x Sleep
%x Boredom
%x Work
%x Top Twenty-Six Ways To Kill Time
%x Lecture Games
%x Naps, The Most Convenient Time To Take
%x Time
%x Lunch
%x Lunchtime
%x Scientific Truth In Product Warning Labels
%x Coffee
%x Philosophy
%x Cheese
%x Windows
%x Mobile Phones
%x Telephones
%x Atomic Bomb, Constructing An
%k Meetings, Business, Work, Sleep, Dream, Time, Boredom
%e
The majority of many people's working time is spent in meetings. These are
usually held to allow a group to decide the policy of an organization, the
best way of launching a product, or in some special cases where they should
go for lunch. These meetings are usually dull and protracted with every
important point being covered many times, and any unimportant business
surfacing more often than not.
Meetings usually last until the bladder of one of the participants fails.
This can take some time, especially if coffee is not provided for this
purpose. Because of the length of meetings, the hitchhiker caught in one
will wish to find a way of amusing themselves whilst paying scant attention
to what happens around him. On some occasions, everyone in a meeting might
adopt this policy, causing it to last even longer than necessary. If this
occurs, the meeting might remain in a state of ignorant bliss for days, or
even months, as each participant pays no attention whatsoever to the
activities of those around him. Many organizations now provide people to
walk accidentally into meetings every three hours to prevent this decay of the
human condition.
During any period of half sleep such as this, it is common for people to
drift between a dream state and reality. Often the two become
indistinguishable and you might find yourself leaving a meeting believing
that all present had resolved to rename the company as the 'Great Happy
Bubble Joy Corporation' and serve blancmange during tea breaks instead of
biscuits. It is often suggested by historians that the preamble to the
American constitution originally began 'We the Fairy Pixies,...' after
Benjamin Franklin dozed off during the closing portion of discussion. The
world has George Washington's quick thinking and hasty rewrite to thank for
the correction of this error.
There are many ways of staving off the boredom associated with a long
meeting. Some of these are as follows:
-
Drawing cartoons on a note pad;
- Playing tic tac toe with a neighbour;
- Tapping out a rhythm with your foot;
- Philosophizing on the true nature of cheese;
- Trying to catch the attention of the attractive typing clerk from
accounts;
- Remembering if the gas was still on at home;
- Planning a meteoric rise to fame as an untalented talk-show host;
- Staring blankly out of a window;
- Staring blankly at a wall;
- Composing short poems on the cost of bread;
If these simple and private methods of self stimulation fail to keep the
dulled mind amused, it may become necessary to adopt more aggressive tactics
and try to end the meeting altogether. This is best achieved by feigning
illness, or even death; the best results can be obtained by appearing to
have a highly virulent tropical disease. If this fails to end the meeting
it may be possible to use a mobile telephone to tell building security of a
bomb threat. Ventriloquism can also be used to good effect, for instance by
making a co-worker seem to shout "I have seen the light" or "We're doomed,
run for the hills".
In the worst meetings it might be necessary to use the ultimate form of
escape, but that would involve the invention of teleportation and a not
insignificant amount of blue Brie, so that is not currently available.
The important thing to remember during all meetings is that they will finish
at some point, and that the day after you will most likely be stuck in a
different room with another group of zombified employees who have the
intention to overturn whatever decision was made the previous day. It is
thus that all progress is made.
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