Status: Submitted

%t Actions to avoid while in a horror film
%n ?S?
%s If you go down to the woods today,
   you might just come out alive
%a Alex Gough 
%d 19991220
%x Bad Taste
%x Rocky Horror Picture Show At The Prince Charles Cinema
%e

Should the hapless hitchhiker find himself beset by attacks from crazed axe wielding maniacs, wildly thrashing vines and branches, daemons summoned forth from other planes or parties of visiting school children it is highly likely that he has become a character in a horror movie. While this might seem like a bad situation to find oneself in, all hope should not be lost. With a little planning, common sense and a good agent it should be perfectly possible for the hitchhiker to escape the film alive and, apart from mild bouts of post traumatic stress, completely unscathed.

The most important rule of survival in a horror film is to avoid being in one in the first place, the death rate amongst the general population being many orders of magnitude lower than that in such a film. Should appearance in a horror film become unavoidable, then this rule cannot be applied[1] and the following principles should be followed.

If in a horror film, it is most likely that you will not be alone. As well as yourself there will also be a large number of other victims (sorry, extras). It is of vital importance that you form into a large group (safety in numbers) and having gained collective security you do not later disband. This is called "splitting the party" and will lead to certain painful and interesting death. It is acceptable for other people to leave the party, as long as you stay with the herd, the lone character is always an easy target. If the party dwindles in size, be very careful not to use phrases such as "then there were three" as the bizarre physics operating in a horror environment will cause this number to fall rapidly.

In a horror film, any grisly business will occur in one of two places, either indoors or outdoors. Should you become trapped within a film, your first action should be to find which of these applies to the film you are in and endeavour to move to the other as soon as possible. Staying the night in a haunted house is never a good plan and there is no shame associated with running into a fast food joint when pursued by the friendly neighborhood psychopath.

Having left the danger area, you should next find out if you are a stunningly beautiful young girl. If this is the case you should give up all hope, if not then it is very likely that you will survive.

Another way to avoid problems brought about during a scary flick is to avoid activities which will bring you to the notice of violent killers or satanic powers. Meetings of your local sociopaths support group should not be attended and it is unwise to belong to satanic cults. Chanting ritual summons derived from three thousand year old manuscripts found in a long forgotten desert tomb is also advised against and may invalidate any life insurance you hold [2].

If you are unlucky enough to die in a horror film, you should endeavour to be killed in a suitably interesting manner. This will assure you of an appearence in a sequel, either as a vengeful spirit or during a dramatic flashback.

--
[1] Although you should not say that I didn't try to warn you.
[2] Always read the small print.

%e
*EOA*

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