%t Actions to avoid while in a horror film
%s If you go down to the woods today,
you might just come out alive
%a Alex Gough
%x Bad Taste
%x Rocky Horror Picture Show At The Prince Charles Cinema
Should the hapless hitchhiker find himself beset by attacks from crazed axe
wielding maniacs, wildly thrashing vines and branches, daemons summoned
forth from other planes or parties of visiting school children it is highly
likely that he has become a character in a horror movie. While this might
seem like a bad situation to find oneself in, all hope should not be lost.
With a little planning, common sense and a good agent it should be perfectly
possible for the hitchhiker to escape the film alive and, apart from mild
bouts of post traumatic stress, completely unscathed.
The most important rule of survival in a horror film is to avoid being in
one in the first place, the death rate amongst the general population being
many orders of magnitude lower than that in such a film. Should appearance
in a horror film become unavoidable, then this rule cannot be applied and
the following principles should be followed.
If in a horror film, it is most likely that you will not be alone. As well
as yourself there will also be a large number of other victims (sorry,
extras). It is of vital importance that you form into a large group (safety
in numbers) and having gained collective security you do not later disband.
This is called "splitting the party" and will lead to certain painful and
interesting death. It is acceptable for other people to leave the party, as
long as you stay with the herd, the lone character is always an easy target.
If the party dwindles in size, be very careful not to use phrases such as
"then there were three" as the bizarre physics operating in a horror
environment will cause this number to fall rapidly.
In a horror film, any grisly business will occur in one of two places,
either indoors or outdoors. Should you become trapped within a film, your
first action should be to find which of these applies to the film you are in
and endeavour to move to the other as soon as possible. Staying the night
in a haunted house is never a good plan and there is no shame associated
with running into a fast food joint when pursued by the friendly
Having left the danger area, you should next find out if you are a
stunningly beautiful young girl. If this is the case you should give up all
hope, if not then it is very likely that you will survive.
Another way to avoid problems brought about during a scary flick is to avoid
activities which will bring you to the notice of violent killers or satanic
powers. Meetings of your local sociopaths support group should not be
attended and it is unwise to belong to satanic cults. Chanting ritual
summons derived from three thousand year old manuscripts found in a long
forgotten desert tomb is also advised against and may invalidate any life
insurance you hold .
If you are unlucky enough to die in a horror film, you should endeavour to
be killed in a suitably interesting manner. This will assure you of an
appearence in a sequel, either as a vengeful spirit or during a dramatic
 Although you should not say that I didn't try to warn you.
 Always read the small print.