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Status: Submitted 20000929

%t Brighton, England, UK, earth
%n R
%s Home of the Stone Built Marquee
%a Alex Gough (
%d 20000913

Brighton is a famous english sea-side resort. This means that for years people have flocked to its stony beaches, frozen while swimming in its polluted waters and contracted food poisoning from the many greasy fish and chip emporia along the sea front.

If you belong to the 'Gizza Kiss' subgroup of tourists you will find that Brighton has much to offer. The sea front is lined with stalls selling naughty postcards, inflatable hammers and exploding cigarettes. The traditional English dish (sorry, newspaper full) of fish and chips can be enjoyed at one of many cafes and lost cockneys will find themselves at home with the wide range of jellied eels. Yum.

Showing amazing forsight the victorians who built most of Brighton protected future generations against the terrors of global warming by building the town thiry feet above the sea. This does mean that a visitor must climb up and down stairs in the sea wall but also allows for a pleasant stroll along the top of the wall without having to get too close to the sea and keeps the postcard shops well out of sight.

Brighton has two piers, the East pier is still open and offers the interested tourist the usual run of amusement arcades, ice cream shops and a small fun fair complete with rollercoaster and gut-wrenching pirate ship. The uninterested tourist, on the other hand, will find the whole experience throughly frightful. The West pier has sat in a state of disrepair for many years now. It is not known why it has not been demolished but it is thought that it is left there as a warning to remind piers the world over of their dependence on man to keep them painted.

Near the East pier you will find the Brighton Sealife Center [1]. This may seem like a pointless tourist attraction (especially to anyone who has tried to peer through the murky depths of Brighton's sea) but in an inspired move, the marine biologists reponsible for the sea life went somewhere else to catch it. Like all sea life centers, the tanks are designed to give the inmates an excellent view of all the people's noses as they are pressed against the glass.

Moving further back from the sea front you will come to a confusing maze of narrow winding streets where you will find a plethora of useless shops selling lifestyle items to the stupid rich, there are also many cafes and bars, all of which are worth a visit (unless you don't happen to be hungry or thirsty). Should you be fond of black marks on pieces of paper you will no doubt want to visit one of the many excellent bookshops. In common with all trendy shops, you won't be able to buy anything that you _really_ need from this area [1], instead you should head further up the hill towards the larger stores on the far side of the Royal Pavillion.

Perhaps it's something about being Royal, but this is no ordinary pavillion. While most of us would be content with a tent, or even a parasol, the Victorians just had to go one better and build a whole palace to keep the sun off their heads. This pavillion is one of the more confusing buildings in Brighton. For a bit of fun, get someone suitably gullible, put a towel over their head, then tell them you will teleport them to India. Spin them around a few times then walk them to the pavillion, then remove the towel. Until they turn around again, or hear anyone speak, or notice that it is cold and raining, they will believe that you did actually move them to the far side of the world. If you are attempting to charge for this service, make sure they pay before hand, just in case.

As with all towns, there is a darker side to Brighton. This normally happens at night but has been known to occur on overcast days as well. This dark side of Brighton is actually a good thing though, as all the nightclubs and pubs open and let you drink and dance the night away.

[1] This was originally the _Brighton Marine Aquarium_ and like the Pavillion was invented by George IV.
[2] Other than the staple diet of the science fiction fan consisting as it does of books and beer, in roughly equal measure.

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