|
Status: Submitted 20000929
%t Brighton, England, UK, earth
%n R
%s Home of the Stone Built Marquee
%a Alex Gough (alex@rcon.org)
%d 20000913
%e
Brighton is a famous english sea-side resort. This means that for years
people have flocked to its stony beaches, frozen while swimming in its
polluted waters and contracted food poisoning from the many greasy fish and
chip emporia along the sea front.
If you belong to the 'Gizza Kiss' subgroup of tourists you will find that
Brighton has much to offer. The sea front is lined with stalls selling
naughty postcards, inflatable hammers and exploding cigarettes. The
traditional English dish (sorry, newspaper full) of fish and chips can be
enjoyed at one of many cafes and lost cockneys will find themselves at home
with the wide range of jellied eels. Yum.
Showing amazing forsight the victorians who built most of Brighton protected
future generations against the terrors of global warming by building the
town thiry feet above the sea. This does mean that a visitor must climb up
and down stairs in the sea wall but also allows for a pleasant stroll along
the top of the wall without having to get too close to the sea and keeps the
postcard shops well out of sight.
Brighton has two piers, the East pier is still open and offers the
interested tourist the usual run of amusement arcades, ice cream shops and a
small fun fair complete with rollercoaster and gut-wrenching pirate ship.
The uninterested tourist, on the other hand, will find the whole experience
throughly frightful. The West pier has sat in a state of disrepair for many
years now. It is not known why it has not been demolished but it is thought
that it is left there as a warning to remind piers the world over of their
dependence on man to keep them painted.
Near the East pier you will find the Brighton Sealife Center [1]. This may seem
like a pointless tourist attraction (especially to anyone who has tried to
peer through the murky depths of Brighton's sea) but in an inspired move,
the marine biologists reponsible for the sea life went somewhere else to
catch it. Like all sea life centers, the tanks are designed to give the
inmates an excellent view of all the people's noses as they are pressed
against the glass.
Moving further back from the sea front you will come to a confusing maze of
narrow winding streets where you will find a plethora of useless shops
selling lifestyle items to the stupid rich, there are also many cafes and
bars, all of which are worth a visit (unless you don't happen to be hungry
or thirsty). Should you be fond of black marks on pieces of paper you will
no doubt want to visit one of the many excellent bookshops. In common with
all trendy shops, you won't be able to buy anything that you _really_ need
from this area [1], instead you should head further up the hill towards the
larger stores on the far side of the Royal Pavillion.
Perhaps it's something about being Royal, but this is no ordinary pavillion.
While most of us would be content with a tent, or even a parasol, the
Victorians just had to go one better and build a whole palace to keep the
sun off their heads. This pavillion is one of the more confusing buildings
in Brighton. For a bit of fun, get someone suitably gullible, put a towel
over their head, then tell them you will teleport them to India. Spin them
around a few times then walk them to the pavillion, then remove the towel.
Until they turn around again, or hear anyone speak, or notice that it is
cold and raining, they will believe that you did actually move them to the
far side of the world. If you are attempting to charge for this service,
make sure they pay before hand, just in case.
As with all towns, there is a darker side to Brighton. This normally happens
at night but has been known to occur on overcast days as well. This dark
side of Brighton is actually a good thing though, as all the nightclubs and
pubs open and let you drink and dance the night away.
[1] This was originally the _Brighton Marine Aquarium_ and like the
Pavillion was invented by George IV.
[2] Other than the staple diet of the science fiction fan consisting as it
does of books and beer, in roughly equal measure.
%e
*EOA*
|
